bikini freedom….

so I did it.  for the first time in at least 30 years   ……  I own a bikini …….

not a tankini,

not a pair of board shorts with crop bathing suit top.

I’m talking a real walking, talking two piece halter style top bikini.

I wore a bikini…..and I liked it.

I wish that I could say for all these years that my reasons for not wearing a two piece have everything to do with being a good Godly woman, setting a good Godly example, and modesty and all that stuff.  But lying is not my strong suit.

Really the reason is that I have been fat and flabby ALLL this time.  And there is no way I would dare to expose my shame in that fashion, not to my husband, not to my children and not to myself.

It has been the struggle of my adult life to accept myself and my body as valuable and beautiful, while at the same time striving for better.  And add that to the battle of trying to get it into my heart that the outward appearance is about mankind and our hearts and has little to do with the heart of God.  But so far those are battles that continue to wage…..ugh.

I hate one piece bathing suits.  They itch.  They make me feel fat.  I love the feel of the water, the weightlessness…everything, I love water and I hate wet fabric on my body.  Hate it.  I hate them because I know I wear them out of shame and embarrassment.  I have hang ups I know.

When I decided to be brave about my bathing suit issue, nothing in my body and my heart regarding my body had changed except one thing.  I was tired of living in bondage to a piece of material.  That sounds a little like overkill doesn’t it? 

So I went shopping and I bought a bikini.  and I freaking love it.

I feel more confident than I have in years.  I feel more free and I feel like I am learning a larger truth than I can swim in a bikini.

God doesn’t want me to do anything from a place of the  bondage of shame and embarrassment.  this goes way beyond the way I dress, it is the way I walk and talk and breathe. 

I love the way my heart feels when I am free enough from my own shame to step into my bikini and dive into that wonderful life giving water, both figuratively and literally.  It just feels good!

I will not likely ever wear my bikini anywhere but my own back yard.  I am not sure that I will ever not struggle with the embarrassment of not having a perfect body.  I just don’t like the idea of being that “open” to everyone.  It’s my body and I really don’t feel the need to share it with everyone on earth.  Perfect body or not.

When I was young I did crave that kind of attention.  Not going to lie.  I was brought up in a world that said you had to literally share everything you are with everyone.  I grew up with women doing everything to catch a man, not with their heart but with their bodies.

It took a long time for me to learn about physical boundaries.  Once I learned them I loved them.  Sometimes I feel that my fat has served me well in that it made me less attractive and I didn;t have to worry about attention anymore. 

But it was a double edged sword I craved to not be looked at in that way and  was ashamed that I wasn’t……

But with the whole bikini thing now I feel like I am learning that I can have and enjoy both physical boundaries and freedom from the bondage of shame. I can shake off all of that and feel confident and beautiful…go figure.

And all it took was 30 years and a bikini…….

So now when I wear my one piece when people are around I will not hate it so much.  Now  maybe that little tiny piece of fabric is not about being ashamed of my body but of respecting myself enough to embrace boundaries that are healthy for me.

Who knew a christian woman could learn so much from a freaking bikini?

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The Look Of Peace

I have to be honest.  I did not go with my husband yesterday when he took our dog to the vet to have her put to sleep because I was afraid to do it ……….I baled on him big time……

I had done it for Laurie the cat, I had done it for my beloved Allie, I had done it for our not so beloved but sometimes beloved cat Pepper.  I had done the hand off when it was time to find sweet Sammy the cat a home.  But this time I most definitely did not put on my big girl panties and face the heartache.

Every time I have had to put my animal up on the table and let them go, a piece of my heart goes with them and this time I was not up to the task.

It is not as if I am a crazy, rabid animal lover who believes her animals are actually her children.  But I do form an emotional bond even with the ones that don’t connect to my heart.  And letting go is hard for me.

I said my goodbye to ruthie and I let my hubby walk out the door with her.  I regret that decision also and it is a decision I will not make again with another animal.  I believe that you as a pet owner should give your animal the respect to travel that last journey with them.

Why?  because they are loyal and faithful and loving when we are shitty and going through ugly stuff. They love us when we come out of stinky bathrooms, they don’t care about our morning breath, they are quick to forgive when we yell at them or ignore them.  They hang in there with us and should we not do the same for them?

I waited until my hubby had been gone for a while and then I called him.  Perfect timing she had just died. 

“she looked the most peaceful I have seen her in a long time”

My heart broke a little hearing those words because if we had listened to our gut we would have done this in May.  But instead we kept her here for our benefit on a medication that made her absolutely miserable and miserable to live with.

I have always felt that the best reward you can give your pet for thier years of devotion is a quick, dignified and respectful death.  I believe that a dog or a cat cannot reason out their existence the way that we can.  They love us and will just keep loving us no matter how bad we feel.  And most of us will keep them around no matter how bad they feel because it makes us feel better in some way shape or form.

But a pet cannot say, i have worth in this world, they cannot make the choice of quality of life for themselves.  They cannot reason out if chemo and it’s effects are worth it for a few more days or possibly weeks.  We make that decision for them. 

Phenobarbital is an ugly medicine.  It made Ruthie’s last couple of months miserable.  Hearing my husband say those words brought that home to my heart and it pierced my heart. 

There is such a push in this world to treat animals like people.  To give animals the same status as a human. 

Well you wouldn’t kill a member of your family if something was wrong with them would you?  then why would you do it to an animal? 

Well actually said member of the family for the most part would have the presence of mind to make quality of life decisions for themselves.  Something an animal cannot do.  And for those humans who cannot make those decisions, for the most part loved ones make the decisions based on that will ultimately make the person the most comfortable and happy.

It is a huge responsibility to steward your animals life.  To be truthful I am not always the best steward of the animals in my life.  But I try. And it is a huge responsibility to steward your animals death well.

For whatever crazy reason we let the vet convince us that it would be good to put our very old dog on phenobarbital to treat her seizures.  It is a decision I 100 percent regret and I will for sure NEVER subject another animal to that medication again.  NOT EVER.

I am not saying I would knock off a 2 year old dog for coughing or that I wouldn’t treat a treatable disease.  What I am saying is that as is so often with humans, the cure is worse than the disease itself.   It is an owners responsibility to really examine if it is worth it to put your animal through crap just because you can’t let go.  Your animal cannot use words and make those decisions.  If you really want to treat animals like a human then put yourself in their place, would you want someone to do that to you?

The side effects of the phenobarbital for poor little ruthie were…..ruthless…..and they were hard on us .  And instead of the last couple months of our dogs life being somewhat normal, it was filled with angst and anxiety, pain for her and stress for all of us.

Ruthie served us with loyalty and unconditional love for over 13 years and our best gift, our best thank you was the day we let her go with kindness and dignity.

….the answer is blowing in the wind….

My mind this morning is a hot mess.  I am fatigued.  Which really isn’t anything new because that is a state of being in which I live.  But there are times when the fatigue blows my thoughts around like a dry pile of leaves in the wind. It’s like I just can’t get the energy up to keep all my leaves in a neat little pile.  Just as the leaves start to settle on a thought, a gust of wind comes up and there go my thoughts scattering in the wind.   Try as i might to rake those things into a cohesive pile, they never stay there.

Today has been a hurricane in my head.  and I have only been up for an hour and a half……………..It’s going to be a long day.

I have this idea that I need to have a well ordered mind to be a real grown up.  I think that at 53 I would have had “a disciplined mind”  or that by now I would know how to “take every thought captive….”. 

I have been trying to learn more about my eds 3 lately.  I have been trying to figure out how and where I am going to fit into some scenarios that will be coming up in the next few years that will be hard.  ( I do have a tendency to try to cross bridges I haven’t arrived at yet ).  Some might call it worry, I call it planning ahead.  My pile of dry leaves just keeps getting bigger with every thought that I think i have to think about…..

And while my hurricane is blowing and I am cleaning up the patio and listening to pandora while planning not only my day but trying to figure out what the next few weeks will look like, or crap, i still have to mop…but first sweep and then I should clean the windows.  Oh chris gets home tonight, johnny goes to his dads it’s going to be hot the house always feels better if it is clean when it is hot.  Wait, my room is a mess I should clean that and my bathroom needs scrubbed.  My girlfriend is coming into town she will be her this day. I would like to see this girlfriend and have that girlfriend over.  I need to see my grandbabies and I can’t disappoint my kids and husband.  I am so tired how will I ever do this?  More coffee and rockstars but those will probably give me a heart attack…….that is 30 seconds in my brain you don’t even want to try and follow my thoughts for a whole minute. I am a hot mess.

And then in the middle of it David Crowder comes into the corner of my messy mind and is quietly singing Oh How He Loves Us.  And I hear him telling me how Jesus loves me.  I hear him telling me that He is jealous for my heart and mind.  Not in a sick and shaming way, but in a way  that says I love you so much and I yearn to be loved by you the same way.

Wait, what?  For a few sweet moments everything else just stops.  You cannot imagine the peace and the rest in my mind when it can finally land one thought.  Just one.

And this one thought is the one I needed most in my mess today.  He loves me and He yearns for my love……

One leaf landed in the storm.  I’ll take it.  My mind may never be the ordered mature mind I think it should be.  But possibly at least in my life my mind does not need to be one big orderly pile of dry leaves. 

If God so ordered it, my mind would work like other peoples.  But so far, try as I might and pray as I might I  still have a hurricane in my head.  But today there was a moment of respite.  An eye of the storm, where there is calm and peace.  Even while the hurricane kept whirling around me. My eye of the storm was knowing that God loves me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday….The Day Joy Came In….

Today is one of those days.  The days when my childhood rises up and the feelings it evokes threaten to overwhelm me.  It’s the kind of day where I fight to receive and maintain peace in my head and in my heart.  The kind of day when you know you can’t remember your childhood for a reason but you can always remember the feelings.  They never really go away, just most days I can shove them aside better.

But, not today.

But grace….

I was trying to explain to my husband what was going on and as the tears started he tenderly reached over and hugged me and told me he loved me…..

A little later I was reflecting on my life and when things started to get better in my teen years and I realized that the day Chris came into my life joy came in.  It is as if in my heart and mind he walked in and drew a big fat line and on one side was my past and on the other my future.  He saw my past and said, let’s head for the future together.  Most good men were scared away by who I was back then.  But not Chris, he didn’t blink an eye at the fact that I had slept around ALOT, had an abortion and a daughter whose father I was not married to.  There is so much more that I am not putting down here but trust me when I say unsavory.

But in he came and he made me laugh.  OFTEN.  He stuck with me through all of the guck and the mess.  He stayed with me in my craziest of crazy years and he never let go.  He never said that I was too much for him.  He just quietly put up with my shit and loved me anyway.

I have the life I never dreamed of when I was growing up.  I have the house and the kids who love me and the grandbabies that make my world go round.

I have joy and I know that God used Chris to bring that into my life.  and I am grateful.

He is not perfect and I am not perfect and our marriage is so far from perfect.  We both still have plenty of crap and baggage that sometimes gets in the way.  But overall we are perfect for each other.  He is perfect for me.

So tomorrow is his birthday and I find myself once again so grateful that God brought this man into my life and with him he brought joy.

I am happy he was born.

Happy Birthday babe, I love you, thanks for bringing joy with you when you came.

Flawless….

I have to be honest, flawless is anything but what I feel about myself.  There is not one part of me that I feel couldn’t use so so so much work.

And here is another little bit of honesty.  I don’t know how to be o.k. with my lack of perfection.

I want to be o.k. with it.  I want to know that I am a work in progress, I want to know that there was only ONE perfect human being and HE was the Son of God.  And although I know I am created in His oh so beautiful and perfect image, on my best days I feel more like a distorted fun house mirror image of God.

Even when I am told over and over that in Him I am made perfect.  Even when I am assured of my beauty or talents or niceness by my beautiful friends there is this woman in me that screams “BUT I KNOW THE REAL ME, THE UGLY ME, THE JEALOUS ME, THE JUDGEMENTAL AND MENTALLY UNSTABLE ME”.

And even when I am told that my worth is not in my role, or my abilities or my works …… I know it is a lie.  Because just look at this shitty world that we live in.  The things that get the attention and the worship and the APPROVAL are all the things that I am …… NOT….

I have to be extraordinary, I have to be lit on fire by passion for something.  I have to be always striving for a perfection that is always changing.  And if I am not achieving that greatness in whatever arena then I am mired in mediocrity.

I wish I could say that this is something that I just fight in the world.  But sadly it is also abattle in the church……..it is oh so to screw things up in the church than in the secular world.

I get it.  We all want to believe that God perfects us in the here and now.  We have to hold that standard of perfection or guess what?   God doesn’t work for us either.  So the church goes around setting up benchmarks that supposedly prove what kind of a christian you are.If we are REALLY CHRISTIANS _______________________ fill in the blank.

At church on Sunday the congregation was told that service in the church was a sign that you are truly saved.  Because if you are and you are receiving from a church you better be giving back or you are being slothful.  True story.

And a truer story for me is that for me, I pour all of myself out trying to be a decent wife, mother and grandmother.  The truer story for me is that my 90 minutes every other Sunday is all I have to give.

But I cannot help but take in the message that tells me that everything I have, my best is woefully lacking in proving my worth in the church or outside of the church.  NOT GOOD ENOUGH is what the world and the church screams at me.

But then through the voice of another flawed human the very Creator of the universe whispers my name and reminds me that i was designed FOR HIM, not for the church, not for the world, for God Himself.

And I am reminded that He did not put the idea of perfection on me.  He gave me the opportunity to be a part, to join in His perfection.  By His blood I am presented flawless before the King of Kings so that I can be a part of all of his perfection.

And therein lies the freedom from striving for me.  I am not flawless, and I will not be on this earth but I am a part of His perfection and He sees that in me.  At some point I have to decide if I still want to continue fighting with standards and lies or do I want to accept that regardless of the wages of sin in my spirit and in my body in Him I can still be a part of something beautiful and perfect and lovely.

I would choose to be flawless in every way if that were my choice.  I would choose the easy way.  I would be beautiful and talented and smart and kind, loving, humble and never angry.  But I am not given that choice on this earth.

OH and I wouldn’t cuss.

well maybe because I really think I just love to cuss……

But I live here in this fallen world and I am so fallen with it.  And since I am here maybe it’s time to accept my imperfection and quit trying to fit myself into what I believe everyone else thinks I should be.

So maybe I will cuss as I welcome you into my home and offer hospitality.  So maybe as I friend you on facebook my posts won’t always be of the most Godly nature.  So maybe I will complain of my fatigue while I am pouring myself out.

So maybe somehow as God’s perfection works through my imperfection someone, somehow will feel God’s incredible flawless love.

I don’t know, but what I do know is that as long as I let my imperfection cripple my heart no one will get anything useful from me.

So, flawless meet flawed and lets go make something beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

unkindness

I am so tired of unkindness.  I am tired of it in my own self and I am tired of it in other people.  I am tired of it in the media, on the media.  I am just tired of it.

Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t deal with issues, that we don’t speak truth.  It doesn’t mean that we agree on everything or that we tolerate everything.  Kindness doesn’t look at everything with rose colored glasses or turn a blind eye to injustice.

Kindness just asks that we do those things with love in mind.  It asks that we deal with others with same  care we would like to be dealt with.  Kindness asks that truths spoken not be spoken in a way meant to be hurtful.  Kindness asks that issues don’t be brought up in such a way that it makes one want to find a solution.  Kindness addresses injustice, not ignores it.

Kindness is the strength of restraint.  It is not weakness.  It is the easiest thing in the world to be mean, to speak anger, hatred, frustration.  It is easy to take the gloves off and fling insults, or to return evil for evil.  Giving in to our baser proclivities takes no strength on our part.  Kindness in the face of those things however requires strength of character.

Kindness is not something to be handed out when and if you think someone else deserves it.  The very point of kindess is that it is a gift to be given not a privilege to be earned by others.

Every day I get on facebook or the internet to read news and all I see at every turn is gloating, anger, unkindess.  Every. single. day. .  And it wearies the mind.  I could just stay off of facebook, but there are things and people that I like to see, photos, recipes and sweet little quotes .  But the unkindness is overwhelming.

Maybe those who read this won’t care.  Maybe those who read this will think I am ridiculous.  maybe.   But for all the hateful, angry and discouraging words out there in internet space, now there are a few words of kindness.

 

 

 

 

you.don’t.own.me.

It’s my song for 2017

you don’t own me

It is  a full two weeks into the new year.  Two whole weeks .  Two weeks in which I have gotten up every day and determined that THIS day was going to be THE day that I changed my life forever.  Two whole weeks in which I went to bed every night sighing that His mercies are new every morning because I had failed miserably at changing my life.

I hate New Years and the emphasis on doing big and great things, setting goals and resolutions.  I hate the determination that lasts all of two seconds.  But most of all I hate this huge push to tell people that they must be better, bigger, smaller, richer, nicer more successful……..

Maybe I am just bitter because of my own failure to achieve.  Actually I am bitter about it.  Bitterly disappointed in myself but also in a world that both demands perfection and big things while continually doing all that it can to pick away at any perfection anyone achieves.

The Christian world is just as bad, if not worse.  I know that most things are aimed at helping people be better but sometimes it is such a burden.  Every where I turn there is a new book/program/video series or sermon reminding me that something is wrong with me that MUST BE FIXED right now.

I thought Christ’s blood was enough.

At least that is what I was told in the beginning.  Now I need more.  Now I need deliverance, soaking prayer, breaking free, discipline, confessions of my failure on a weekly basis, because you know that without that I can never truly live an open and honest life.  and If I can’t do that then I cannot be an authentic christian.

So now all of these things must be added to the atoning work of Christ on the cross because His blood isn’t quite enough.

And so every day along with my own voices in my head that constantly whisper and shout not good enough, not good enough, the outside world and the Christian world are joining in a beautiful chorus of my failure.

The problem with all of this is that you begin to feel owned by your failures and your fears.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe in working through things, I believe in repentance, I believe in living my life in such a way that I am continually working restitution. I owe for the hurts that I have caused and yes to some degree it is up to me to continually help clean up the mess I have made in other peoples hearts.

But I have allowed these things to own me.  I have allowed admitting my failures, confessing my sin, working my program, breaking free to own me, to own my thoughts, my time and my energy.

It’s kind of a sucky life.  All of those things should have a PLACE in my life, but they shouldn’t own my life and my heart.  and so far they have, and they have not remained quiet.  Maybe if fear and failure had just whispered in my ear I would have kept listening.  But they don’t stop at whispering. They shout and scream for attention like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum.  Fear and failure prefer to own, they want to take over. and I just don’t feel like being owned by anything anymore.

So dare I say it?  2017 is my year to not be owned.  Don’t ask me how I am going to do it.  I just know that I am sick of being owned by my weight, my fear and my sick idea of perfection.  I am sick of being owned by Christianity.

All of my failure was bought and paid for by Christ on the cross.

“I am young, and I love to be young

I am free and I love to be free”

Because Jesus loves me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For Those Of Us Who Need It Everyday…

For those of us who need grace daily.  For me, because every day I need something I’ve done or thought or said redeemed. Every day.

For me, who daily needs forgiveness.

For me, who daily struggles with sins that never seem to go away.

For me, who feels like I am playing my daily game of whack-a-mole.

For you, for everyone who knows that they are losing the battle with themselves.

Over and over we strive, we try, we fail.

and over and over His grace is sufficient in our worst.

The hard news is that the fight never ends until we step into glory.

The better news is His mercies are new every single morning.

Because of this grace, I never need walk in a mantle of shame.  I never need hide my eyes or beat myself  up with a baseball bat.  I never need to be buried in my sin.

Because of this grace I get to move forward, we get to move forward.

Some days my sin is like quicksand, pulling me down and sucking me in.  Some days I give into it and I sink.  Bitterness, anger, hatred, spitefulness and selfishness.  Purposely hardening my heart and spirit in order to not feel others pain.

But His grace saves me, pulls me out of my pit and brushes off the goop.  And then He says to me……

“I love you. I. Love. You.  Nothing you do can change that.  Nothing you think can phase me.  Nothing you say will make Me ever go away from you.  You can fight me, you can push me you can scream and yell and hit and kick, I will still love you.  And I will never leave you.”

I need redemption every day.  Most days I am too hard for someone, but I am never too hard or too much for God.

I will never be where I want to be or where I think I should be, but wherever I believe I am in my journey, I am always smack dab in the middle of His heart and for me that is the perfect place to be.

Home….

20160625_134742I went to California last weekend.  More specifically I went to the ocean.  What I mean by that is…. THE OCEAN!

I stepped off the pavement and into the deep, soft sand and in that millisecond peace entered my soul.  A quiet joy spread through my heart and a satisfaction that finally I had made it home.  Finally, 20 years later.

Saturday we spent the entire day in the ocean.  A WHOLE day.

I lived my whole life near the ocean.  Then I moved near the mountains.  Twenty years.  Almost twenty-one…Twenty years of never feeling as if I were home.  Twenty years of homesickness.  Twenty years of trying to make Colorado my home in my heart.  Twenty years of striving to find the beautiful in the mountains when all that I wanted was an ocean spread out in front of me.  Twenty very long years.

There was so much good and wonderful in Colorado.  And obviously that was where God wanted me.  I worked hard to keep my mind and my heart submitted to that idea.  But I must say I often failed miserably at it.  My heart and my soul were always at war.

Then we moved to the desert. It certainly wasn’t the ocean, but at least it was not the mountains.

I wrote of my homesickness for Colorado.  It didn’t surprise me that I missed aspects of my life in Colorado.  It did surprise me that a part of me felt like I was homesick for Colorado.  But I was glad of it.  It proved that to some degree I had overcome a battle and learned to bloom where I was planted.  I left with good memories and I left not still hating the state.

Until I stepped onto the beach.  Until I heard the roar of the surf, smelled the salt air, put my foot in the ocean.  In that moment I stopped being homesick.  It’s been a week and not one pang of missing Colorado.  Because I remember where my home is.  I remember where my heart is.  I remember where my soul finds rest.

When I look out on the ocean I feel peace settle in the deepest recesses of my being.  I see the vastness of the ocean that He created and I know He is so much bigger than what I can see.  I see the power of the ocean to bring life.  In the crash of the waves I hear his call and in the whisper of the waves going out I hear my name.

The beach, the ocean, the water is always where I have felt the most alive.  I have not one bad memory attached to being at the beach.  In fact almost any good memory I have happened at the beach.  It is the only part of my childhood I can remember without a stab of hurt or fear.

I have to wonder if that is what it will feel like when I step into heaven.  Will I feel like a lifetime of striving is finally over?  will I step into eternity without a pang of  homesickness for this life?

For 20 years I felt like I was in captivity.  Freedom finally came in my soul when I stepped onto the beach and I knew I could and would come back home any time I wanted.

I could not wipe the smile off of my face the entire weekend.  I couldn’t stop the joy in my heart.  I could feel nothing except peace and happiness.  There was no looking for the beauty, I was IN the beauty.  The last 20 years didn’t matter because I was here now.

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I know now that I am not crazy or rebellious.  I know now that God gives us places and things and people in the world that bring us peace.  He is good that way.  He knows the craziness we live in and He knows that sometimes we need the tangible.  We need to touch, to see, to taste something that grounds us deeper in Him.  For me that is the ocean.

God is good, and He is big.  And all that bigness and power loves me.

How can you not want to run to the one thing that lets you see God?

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One Thing…..just one

In my youth I used to make the assertation  that I wouldn’t change anything that I had done or had happened to me because it was “what made me who I am today”.   I proudly stated that wouldn’t change much about myself either….

That was then.  This is now.

If I could change one thing, just one I would change depression.

Most people will say that I can change it.  Most will say that I should.  Many will point a finger at this or that aspect of my life to show me where I am going wrong.  Many more will tell me the battle is spiritual.

I have tried to move heaven and earth with my prayers and my faith.  I have changed my diet, gone to self help, taken medication and exercised.  I have chosen joy, I have chosen happiness.  I have gone through “spiritual healing”, breaking free.  I have done the work.

What I have learned is that depression is a part of my life much like any other chronic disease.  It just is.  Nothing changes it, nothing cures it.  At least not in my life.

I am tired of looking for cures and potions and pills and healings.  I am tired of pursuing the answer for depression.  I am tired of fighting with it.  I am just so tired.

So yes, I would change this one thing about myself if I could. I would give up almost anything short of my salvation to be done with this thing in my life.

But it doesn’t work that way.  Some days, like today it threatens to overwhelm my heart.  Most days I have to remind myself of all of my blessings and stay grateful and mindful of the gifts that the Lord has given me.  I have to be mindful of the gift of life that He has given me.

Every day I have to trust Him and not my feelings.  Every day I have to decide if I will let it rule my life.  Some days it wins.

But God is good.  I have things and people that I love and that love me.  I have things that bring me joy.  I have people that bring me joy. I have God every day.

I cannot say that I suffer this with joy.  I don’t.  I beg God to take it away…..and then I get on with the life He has put in front of me for that day.

We all have that one thing in our lives that if we were given the power we would change, be it a circumstance, something that happened to us or something we’ve done.  We all have the one area that if we could just erase it we would.

Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, oh no, I’ve got to go through it……

Walking through the valley of the shadow of death, that is what depression feels like sometimes but He promises He is with me.  And if He is with me I can get through anything, even the one thing that doesn’t change.