If only God didn’t have a sense of humor…….

I left yesterdays post with the remark that I knew that I was lying about not caring what others thought but I didn’t know what to do about it…….looking back I probably shouldn’t have ended with that. Maybe I should have come up with a 7 step plan to stop caring what others thought, starting of course with the obligatory “submit to God”. I probably should have vowed that I would beat this thing…..but I didn’t. What I did was leave the door completely open for God to do something. And ummmmmm, well He did.

God, I believe has a sense of humor. His sense of humor can be dry, witty or comical. And many times His sense of humor gently and lovingly causes us to laugh at ourselves. Not in a mean way, but in that way that lifts the burden of us taking ourselves way to seriously. I, unfortunately, give Him ample opportunity. Like yesterday.

I was feeling a bit rebellious yesterday and I didn’t really want to go to church. For private reasons I was feeling pushed and I hate that. But I decided that I wanted to please my husband because he is so sweet to me when I am like this and I knew he was waiting for me. So after I finished my post I hopped up thinking carefully about what I was going wear and how I was going to accomplish this in 15 minutes.

The easiest way? A skirt of course! I stopped for a minute and kind of checked outside to see if is was windy….no wind, o.k. it is safe. The worst thing you can wear in Colorado is wear a skirt on a windy day. Colorado wind is different, it does not just blow one direction. It swirls and whirls and creates it’s own little patterns. So your skirt is not going to just blow behind you or in front of you…..your skirt will first go over your head in the back and just when you get it down again that cute little wind will whip around and throw your skirt over you face. Trust me on this….

So, no wind it was safe to wear a skirt. Now which one? I don’t have shoes that match that skirt, I only have black tights and I don’t want to wear heels for the other. Oh yes, this long round one will be perfect. I realize that I have nylons but I don’t know where they are. Oh well, I am wearing boots anyway so I don’t need to worry about them. Then I think i need a slip, I have one but it is tight but it will have to do. The next big decision was whether or not I wanted to wear my spanx. Yes I am going to wear them.

By this time I am 15 minutes late for church so I stuff my bacon and hop in my car to go around the corner to church.
The parking lot is pretty full for a small church which means there are a lot of people there. Oh Joy. But I am late enough that there are no greeters and I don’t have to say hi to anyone. I will look back and wish there had been greeters!

I get out of the car and adjust my skirt, make sure my slip isn’t riding up grab my coffee and notebook and walk into church. We usually sit in the second to back row on the right side and I head in that direction. I pass by a couple of girlfriends who are chatting, the childrens pastor, and a few other miscellaneous teens and adults. With a purposeful stride I walk up to my hubby noticing there is a new couple directly behind us, I turn hug my husband and then I turn and bend over to put my purse on the floor underneath my seat…….right about then one of the ladies runs up to me and I am thinking “Oh how sweet that this woman came up to hug me!” She quickly reaches behind me with a horrified look on her face AND THEN SHE PULLS THE BOTTOM OF MY SKIRT OUT OF MY WAIST BAND!!!!!!!

Yes, I had just pranced my way to my seat with my entire backside greeting everyone I walked by!!! And there were new people. And at that moment I felt God smile as He said “don’t worry, I got your back”.

He didn’t really say that, but I did feel His gentle humor and I laughed with God at one of my most. embarrassing. moments. EVER. When it was time to do the meeting and greeting I turned around and introduced myself to the couple behind us, eric and billie jean, as if it had never happened. After church was over my husband asked the couple if they had enjoyed the service, they said yes. Then he said “I hope we see you next weekend” the husband replied that they would definitely be back…….Heck I would come back too for church and a show LOL.

At least we don’t sit at the front of the church. At least it is a small church that doesn’t have an army of ushers and greeters to walk past. At least God has a sense of humor and helped me laugh, but next time I am hoping that His lesson and His sense of humor will be directed at someone else!! In the meantime I am making 7 step plans to deal with my issues rather than leaving an open door……

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Lying

I am a liar. I am a big fat liar. I was watching a music video in which the band was singing about being young, youthful, having fun. The scene was a bunch of young people with animal masks dancing around, acting foolish and just HAVING FUN. And for a moment I wished I could be that 20 something year old who didn’t care what people thought and was just out there.

That’s when I knew I was a liar. Because I go around saying I no longer care what others think of me. And intellectually I believe that statement. I do and say things that I know others will disapprove of and I don’t care, on the outside. On the inside? That is a different matter all together.

I used to be pretty out there. When I was a teenager I embarrassed my best friend and her mother at the mall by having a loud conversation with a mannequin. That was funny, professing my love for a stick boy. I yelled out of cars and danced wherever I was. I played. I took chances, I embarrassed myself, I was brave.

Even as an adult I played. As leaders in childrens church some of the skits we did were downright humiliating but it was FUN! We laughed, we enjoyed our lives. I was loud and proud.

But at some point as a christian woman you have to grow up. You have to start acting like a grown woman and a grown woman, especially a christian grown woman only has fun having tea, making toilet paper roll bird feeders and going on sobering womens retreats. We do not laugh to loud, we do not speak to loud, we don’t cuss either. Our speech is perfect, oh and we pray all the time. but we don’t have fun.

I tried for a long time to fit that mold but every time I was just getting into my grown up role of a good christian woman I would climb back out and do something fun and dumb. Oh crap.

But I find that over the years I have been worn down. In some part by my own penchant to criticize myself for doing anything outside of the realm of normal, but more by the constant disapproval of all the good christian women. And even more so by people who know me and love me.

See, I wouldn’t ever care so much about what others think if I knew for sure that the people I love did not disapprove of me. But often who I am can cause acute embarrassment for others. Whether it is things I say, things I do or things I write.

It is the often the words of people that i love the most, and who love me that strike the deepest place in my heart. The words of those who say they love me that make me question my every move. My father who made sure I knew he thought my oldest brother was the only one in the family with his head screwed on straight. The administrator of the group home who said no one will ever invest in me I am not worth it. These statements were made by people who said they loved me and they wouldn’t lie to me right?………

In the christian church it is often much more polite but the message still resonated in me. Why do I act the way I act, how can a “christian” cuss ??!!!! My favorite is when people go around saying you are known by your fruit, umm I don’t really have any fruit so what does that say about me? I don’t have 100 salvation scalps on my belt. I don’t lead a 5000 member womens group. O.k., well that last one is partially by choice, I don’t love women a whole bunch.

But my truth is that I have let the remarks of those whom I trust and love to lodge in my heart and I find myself afraid to move, afraid to breathe, afraid to have fun, be crazy and wild. I am afraid to be Roseanne Roaeanna Danna. Look her up if you don’t know who she was, she was awesome! and she didn’t care what others thought. But me? I am an approval whore. I question everything I say, everything I do, I question how do I look today?

I used to have fun, but now I am afraid. Afraid of that look of incredualtion ( my own made up word ) when I say and do something they can’t figure out. So I don’t move, I don’t dance, I don’t play in the rain and I don’t have fun because contrary to what I say I am afraid of what others see me as.

So, I am a liar. I am a liar who wants to have fun again but is too afraid to. That is not anyones fault but my own, I just don’t really know how to get my moxy back.