I will apologize early on in this post because today I am bound to exhibit some bitterness on my chosen subject. Most days I don’t allow this subject to ruin my life but on days when it has been two and a half hours since I awoke and I am just now having my FIRST cup of coffee my uglier starts to come out.
HEALING. I posted on my facebook that I am indeed an addict when it comes to coffee and I tend to not take it very well when it is withheld from me. I have people all the time tell me it’s bad for me I shouldn’t drink it etc.. and the sugar-free energy drinks that I have just before I workout are going to kill me. OHHHH and by the way the ambien I take to sleep a few hours every night won’t help.
Sometimes I feel like Elvis. Uppers to get up in the morning, and downers to sleep at night. I feel hopelessly caught in a cycle there is no out for. But it wasn’t always this way.
There used to be a time when I literally cried my way through my days. Nights when I wandered the house at 3 in the morning. Nights I rolled over and checked the clock—it is 2 in the morning if I fall asleep now I can sleep for x amount of hours. 3 in the morning if I fall asleep now I can sleep for……4 in the morning….5 in the morning….6:30 oh it’s time to get up.
I don’t even know what it feels like to wake up “refreshed” I don’t have a clue what “not tired” really means. Most of the time when I do sleep it is filled with vivid mostly bad dreams. I wake up feeling like I lived an alternate reality while I slept. I don’t sleep.
But the fatigue is deeper than that. It is bone deep and then throw in whatever the heck “amplified pain syndrome” is and a little EDS 3 which produced it’s own special fatigue and you kind of get why I am a little attached to my coffee.
My doctor actually prescribed me a wonderful little pill to help with wakefulness during the day. It was a little slice of heaven I can tell you. I only took it a few times but I was cautious with it. It is a drug and a powerful one. I think I may have taken a total of 5 in 3 months. Then my liver got damaged by a sweet little anitbiotic named augmentin. At that point I threw the rest away……bye bye happy pill. It wasn’t worth the risk of further damaging my liver.
7 years ago while visiting my brother in Californina he convinced me to try ambien. He is a paramedic and i trusted him. Up to that point I had never taken anything to help me sleep It was just to dangerous to think about being on drugs while my little ones were sleeping. I just slogged through my days waiting for it to be over. It may surprise you to know that I actually don’t like drugs but you know desperate time.
OH HEAVEN I SLEPT FOR 6 WHOLE HOURS——-IN A ROW. That was the first time in at least 15 years that I could remember that happening. I went home and talked my doc and I have taken it ever since. I wish I could say that solved the fatigue issue, it didn’t. But it did allow some rest for my body which helped.
So what does all of this have to do with healing? everything.
I spent years on my face before God begging for answers, begging for healing, begging for a yes or just a no. Begging for wisdom in how to deal with it. I spent years in quiet bitterness. I spent years seeking my healing, demanding that God do what was in the Word. Show me OH GOD how am I supposed to pray?? Give me the right words and attitude so I can ask just the right way and my prayers will move the hand of God on my behalf and I will get my healing.
I have endured well meaning Christians telling me that I must have some hidden sin. REALLY!? because I can tell you my “hidden” sins aren’t too well hidden. I am pretty open about my issues. But just to be sure I beseeched God to show me my hidden sin.
Those same well meaning christians pointed out my lack of faith. God can’t meet me because my faith isn’t good enough. So please GOD GIVE ME FAITH……….makes me wonder how I had enough faith to keep my sorry butt out of hell. It seems to me that it would take more faith to get into eternity than it would to heal a temporal thing like my body.
Then there is the confession of my mouth. I am cursing myself with sickness by my words……..I guess God is only as big as what I say He is……
And then against most of my christian friends advice I stopped praying about healing my body. I was tired. Just tired. I still am and to this day I can’t bring myself to pray that God heal me. I gave up. I just quit. Some people consider that I have quit running my race……if you say so.
My quest now is how to get through a day and accomplish what God has put before me. I am fortunate in that I don’t have a demanding life. Many others who deal with worse than I do have more demanding lives. I have had a demanding life but right now things are so quiet I can hear a pin drop in my life. Even so my daily pain levels and fatigue levels have been on the rise lately.
God’s victory in my life is that I continue to go forward to do His will every single day. God does not always heal us on this earth. He just doesn’t. I still have scars and wounds in my heart from childhood that will likely never completely heal on this earth. I have scars on my body that will never be completely pain free. It is what it is.
I have faith, I believe God. I LOVE HIM and I am so grateful for everything He has done for me and will do for me. He is God and He is good. Always.
Which brings me back around to my caffeine addiction and my lack of apology for it. I am not functional without it. It is not a cute little habit it is a life line. God has not healed me for whatever reason. I could take real drugs and be even worse. I just need it in the morning or things can get a little ugly in my heart.
My addiction to ambien? well. Oh well. That is another thing that God has chosen to remain silent on. I raised 4 kids on 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night. Let me tell you what, it was nightmarish sometimes for them, and for me to be that way with them. So yes, if I have to take it for the rest of my life and it helps me be a better mother and grandmother you better believe I am not giving it up.
Do I like it? not a bit. I would rather that God had miraculously healed me during those 15 long years of arguing and praying with Him. But He didn’t . I would rather that after having every medical test known to man more than once that there would have been some concrete answer that would help me develop a game plan. But that is not what happened.
What happened was that I finally gave up fighting, gave in to Christ and encountered a grace that I had never known before. All the fighting turned into strength to accomplish what God set before me in a day.
God does not heal everyone of everything. He just doesn’t at least not on this earth. Heaven will be a different story and let me tell you I long for that day. But until that day…..well…..I have to keep living with what I have. Caffeine and ambien and hope for a heaven with no pain and fatigue. I still think I get the better end of the deal.