My daughter went to a bible school in Germany that was supposed to last only 6 months, that six turned into roughly 9 months. It was a long time but I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her walking towards me in the airport. She was home and all was well.
But it wasn’t. Her heart had been left in Germany. She loved it there and knew that is what God had for her. Just a few very short months after she was home she received a job offer from Germany. A few shorter months later we were dropping her off at the airport for a second time. But it was only for a year….right?
The truth is her heart was gone the minute her foot stepped onto German soil. I knew that then, but I hoped.
She was the last of the mojicans. lol. And now she is coming home for a visit and I should be filled with joy, but I am not. She will clean out and pack up her life, her childhood, my memories of her, the physical things of her life as a child I am raising.
As each of my children grew up that severing of their childhood as they stepped into their lives as adults has always saddened me, broken my heart. Not because I don’t want my children to grow up and grow out and grow their own lives. I do want that for all of them.
I was given the privilege of being a part of something so incredible and so amazing. I was allowed to participate in creating and raising a human being, to give life. Wow, talk about getting to share in the inheritance of Christ!
I didn’t always recognize that privilege nor treat the raising of my children like that ….. I wish I could have a do over sometimes.
When my oldest daughter moved out I would go sit in her room and cry. When our son moved out I would sit in his room and cry. He never really came back for different reasons. I still pick through his few boxes that he left behind and remember a boy. Then my second daughter and now my third daughter, my fourth and final child.
We have kept her room for three years thinking that she would step back into this life. But it’s time. It is time for the final letting go of my life of a mother of young children, it is the final letting go of my life as the mother of a teenager, my life as a mother….
I am still their mother but it is different, as it should be, they are still my children, but it is different, as it should be. But I miss them. I miss my oldest sweet little giggle, her dirty little looks, her little blonde head in the sunlight. I miss my second daughter sitting next to me watching barney while I did the crossword puzzle, I miss my third daughter holding my hand in the car. I miss hearing my sons pre-teen shriek as he played with his friends. I miss it and them.
There was this sweet little moment in time when I was all they wanted in this world and they were all I wanted. But it cannot stay like that forever, it would not be special if it did. It would just be life as we knew it.
I wonder that God allows us to participate in some things with Him. I wonder that God gives us the ability to know Him better through our experiences with our children.
I am not sure that I can explain this well but I will try. God sent His only son. Not His first born or His last born, His only child. He loved Jesus but a point in time it was time to send Jesus out to accomplish what God has for Him. Every time I have to send out my children to accomplish what God has for them, to let them go, I get to share a little bit of what God felt as He gave up His son.
I am not saying my children are little jesus’s . I am just saying what a privilege to see a part of God’s heart and to know that He himself has felt what I feel now.
So, October is the last of letting go for me. It makes me sad, it breaks my heart but at the same time I have to wonder what is next? I don’t know, but if God has anything to do with it I am sure I will love it just as much right about the time I realize it is time to let that go also…LOL.