The Breaking of My Heart…

My daughter and I have been some what at odds lately. Nothing horrible or earth shattering, but just at odds you know? And I in my wisdom have been trying to get her to see “my” wisdom…….

The problem has been that every time I feel I nail her on something a few hours later the Lord gently asks me if I am doing the same thing. Wait a sec Lord….We’re dealing with my daughter right now not me……

I find myself trying to control my daughters thoughts and feelings so that I can control the outcome of a circumstance….Nailing my daughter on not trusting the Lord….While I myself am not trusting the Lord to love better, protect better, to grow better than I ever could..

I find myself quoting the scriptures on humility and not thinking of yourself as higher than others…..but do I not do the same thing?

The Lord isn’t in to beating my brains out with this stuff, but this morning as I was looking at some scripture art my heart was broken before the Lord. I know I consider myself higher than others, I know that I struggle with humility. I forget even as I say it, that Jesus came to be with the lowest of the low and to raise them up not step on them.

And my heart is broken because it is so easy to find fault, so easy to think “I got this” whatever your this may be. Maybe the Lord does allow us to see fault in others just so that we can see what we look like when we function in the same fault.

Maybe He let me see my daughters issues with trust so that He could lead me to healing in that area myself. Maybe seeing lack of humility in another lets me see my own brand of superiority. Maybe the heart He wants to bring into account is mine.

It always frustrated my daughters that I would only deal with the offender in front of me. I wouldn’t deal with what daughter two did if it was daughter one standing in front of me. I have a habit of saying that when we stand before the Lord we won’t be bringing anyone else up there with us to be able to say “they made me do it”.

It is funny though how I have dealt with everyone else’s issues before God…..except for my own……

Break my heart with humility Lord and let me always know my life is about you and not me. teach me to trust and walk in humbleness with everyone. amen.

beautiful things letter to a friend

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I want to say what I am going to say very carefully, I want to be careful and gentle with your heart because I love you. But even if I didn’t your heart is so precious I would still want to be careful and mindful of it.

I have to give the obligatory “make sure that you take anything I say to the Lord for confirmation” I am human and because I have a history with my brother that is so similar to you and your sister, I don’t want my feelings weighing in on this.

You and I are alike in that our hope springs eternal for our siblings. If we can just show the right amount of grace, if we can just say or not say the right things, if we can perform the right actions….if…..we so love the grace that has been given to us even when someone hurts us we cannot help but want to give that grace out because we love the Lord.

We work and we try and we go before God begging to be able to get over ourselves, to heal the hurt….again….hoping that we don’t die in our bitterness because we are sure we could lose our salvation LOL.

My encouragement is this. Christ suffered everything that we do already. He knows and we can always go to him with our hurt and rejection. Yay God!

We try to suffer well, and love well and forgive well because Jesus did and we are supposed to be like Him aren’t we? We are supposed to model what Jesus did giving the world a living breathing picture of God to the people.

And we try…..and fail and try again……and fail.

Sometimes I don’t wonder if putting ourselves in harms way time after time after time isn’t a little like walking in deliberate sin because we know He will forgive us. We take hit after hit after hit, we get back up and put ourselves in the way of a flying fist over and over. Would we be so inclined to do that if it were a real fist with a real human hitting us like that? But somehow emotional abuse is an acceptable form of sacrificial love on our part.

Every single thing that Christ suffered, and all of his disciples and apostles suffered had meaning and it accomplished the will of God and He was glorified and people healed and saved through it.

So often as humans though we think we are walking in Christ-like love that will open the eyes and the heart of the people we love and we will bring healing….and really what we are doing is putting ourselves in a boxing ring with an opponent who is only bent on destroying us and our hearts.

The one that really needs to be in the ring with them is God, not us. He sits on the ropes watching us getting beaten up and He says “I’M HERE, TAG ME IN!!!”

Oh no, we got this God. We got this, and besides you will heal me when I come flying out right?

My answer may not be your answer. My answer was to step out of the ring and put God in there. I have peace for the first time in years and I think I am starting to heal finally after so many years. Maybe after I am fully healed I can try for reconciliation again. maybe.

You have already changed the history of your family. You have already built things with Dave that will not crumble, you guys are amazing. Not perfect but amazing, which is better.

I am not advising but I would say make sure that what you are doing what God is asking you to do not what you think is the right thing to do. There will only be lasting fruit if it is God’s plan.

I love this song enjoy