I’ve been confronting some pretty deep questions in my heart about God. That’s nothing new, I question God alot. I am hoping I am still saved because I have often gotten the speech about not questioning the most high god. And usually it comes with some dire warning about what he will do to me if i dare ask….anything….
I have always faced squarely the reality that we live in a fallen world, sin happens just like poop happens. Sickness occurs in those who, in my mind at least, don’t deserve it. Sickness does not occur in those who, again in my mind, deserve it. Tornadoes are a way of life as are sunami’s and earthquakes. Famine happens.
My deeper issues come in to play where evil people perpetuate evil on others. I feel as if I can take anything, stand anything, live through anything as long as it is not a person harming me, or my children….or my grandbabies.
Holding my grandson one day I was overwhelmed with fear that God would allow the same things in my grandchildrens lives that had occurred in mine. I told God that I did not trust Him to not let my grandchildren be hurt. I was overwhelmed with fear because God does let bad things happen. At least in my childrens lives I had had the right to protect them how I saw fit. But not so for my grandbabies. and then I went where I have never gone before…..God created Lucifer, who became satan, so God created evil. How do I trust a God who did that?
All the fears, all the worries, all the anxieties that I had carefully kept at bay flooded my heart and I was angry. All the places that I had not gone before, all the doors that I kept tightly closed suddenly opened up and engulfed me. I felt as though I had just found out that my most amazing dad, whom I loved with all my heart, was actually the Mafia Boss.
I know that bad things happen. I have not lived in a naive world created in my mind. I get it, I had even stopped asking why. All I knew was despite the ugly and horrific God was good…..until the one day He wasn’t anymore.
I knew that God was God, I knew that He was everything I had believed up to that point. I just didn’t know how to wrap my brain around the other part. I still don’t.
Theologically speaking I could probably find lots of doctrine on evil…..blahblahblah. It is all still mans interpretation of an unknowable God. Man’s logic and reasoning will not help me on this one.
It is so funny that we humans go running around trying to make sense out of things that we can’t possibly grasp. God is the creator of ALL things…..all of it, including Lucifer. I had always known that, but I had never gone past the knowledge of it to ask the next question until that day.
Not knowing what to do I cried to God. Silence. So I cried out more…..more silence. If I am to be truthful though I was asking questions that I did not want an answer for because no answer would be good enough. I was like a wife who had been cheated on screaming at my husband “WHY?”…..but knowing if he opened his mouth I would hate him more.
People talk about their faith being shaken, mine wasn’t. It’s still solid as a rock ( pardon the pun ). I still believed all my christian fundamentalism, it was my understanding that has taken a beating. What I think I know about an unknowable God.
Guess what? I have no freaking idea the answers to any of my questions. God did not come in and flood me with peace, He did not speak audibly or from a burning bush. He did not ease my brow and take away my fears. He, as any good Father would, let me confront the darker questions of my heart, faith and understanding.
Whether I believe that God created evil, or that it is just here and He allows it, or it is here and so fight it with Him doesn’t really matter because any way you believe it still begs the question of “why?” and the need to understand it’s role with God.
And therein lies the problem. Our brains are finite. Our hearts are flesh, we just don’t possess the capability of understanding the answers to our deepest questions. Because of this no answer is good enough for us. No explanation means anything.
What do I do now? Fight the good fight of faith? Put on the full armor of God? Get my feet shod with the preparation of peace? How about if I gird up my loins? Will all that make me feel any better? Not likely.
My life before Christ was crap. It hurt, it wounded it destroyed parts of me. My life after Christ was sometimes crap, it sometimes wounds and it sometimes kills parts of my heart, but I am not alone anymore. In the life before Christ my wounds accomplished nothing, they meant nothing, they didn’t change me or my world. But after Christ came nothing that I go through is wasted. Everything that has ever hurt me can now be used to bring hope and healing to others like me.
I am not going to dig a hole and ignore my questions, but I am also not going to let questions that I cannot possibly comprehend the answers to, run my life. I don’t want to be the math student who spends their life obsessing over a chalkboard full of math equations that can’t be answered.
And maybe that is what God needed me to do. Unearth those hidden things that I keep buried. The fear that you are not supposed to admit as a christian, the doubts that lurk around your heart and the monsters that come out at night when you turn out the lights.
I looked at mine and decided that whether I ever understand, whether I get an answer or not, I choose God because of the answers that I do have about Him. The things I know about God far outweigh the things I don’t know. So me and God are good, and He didn’t unsave me and He wasn’t angry when I hurled my ugly accusations at Him.
Wherever my ugliness and sinfulness came from, He loves me anyway. I’ll take that .