“Lord I Find You in the seeking, Lord I Find You In the Doubt”

Lord I find You in the seeking
Lord I find You in the doubt
And to know You is to love You
And to know so little else ( “Oh How I Need You” All Sons and Daughters )

I love to learn. I love to know. I love reading the back of the book before I read the front. I want to know if I am going to like how things turn out. If I watch a movie “based on a true story” I google the real story. If someone brings up a subject I don’t know about I google that too. From health to religion to history I have a need to know and to understand what I know. That is a good thing, until it is not.

My thirst for knowledge becomes an obsession, it becomes something that drives me all the time. I think about it, I talk about it, I chew it and spit it out and chew some more. I begin over thinking and over analyzing and soon the knowledge that was supposed to help me understand and answer questions begins to encumber me.

It is not just that I think and google and obsess, I have to see the other side of the issue. I have to find out what is on the other side of my belief. For instance the gay issue; I will go look at what all the “biblical” scholars are saying but that is not good enough because then I have to go look and see what all the gay “biblical” scholars are saying……. I do this with every.single.issue. I can’t help myself.

It has been both a blessing and a curse to try and see things both ways. It can be a blessing to see the grey and to know that there is more to the story. But it can be a hindrance also. I simply do not have the ability to be black and white, cut and dried up or down. No matter how I try to be committed to one way of thinking I always end up somewhere on the fence squarely in the middle of where I think I need to be. Some days I hate that, actually most days I hate my inability to take a stand on things. If I happen to admit that to others I get the wonderful verse that “God is not a God of confusion”….in other words my confusion is a sin.

The Irony of my life is that my life is filled with people who are so black and white, up or down, never in the middle sitting on the fence….if I didn’t enjoy looking out at the peaceful pasture around me sitting on my fence might be a bit lonely…..but I have to admit that the view from the fence over the pasture and across the ocean can be absolutely breathtaking and soooo peaceful.

But some days I feel as if I see too much to make a decision about anything in my spiritual life. I say this repeatedly in my posts “I know that God is the creator of the universe, That God is three persons in one, Father, Son and the Holy Spirit, that Jesus came born of the virgin Mary, beaten and crucified then died to pay the penalty of the sin of this earth, for me, for my sin”. That is about where my assuredness stops and the thoughts and questions begin to flood my mind and my heart and I begin searching, forever searching.

Frankly I am about done looking for answers, I am about done with my own questions and doubts. I am tired from reading so much conflicting theology and I miss God. I miss my days of ignorant bliss, my days of simply trusting for the sake of trusting not because I was so sure of the answer but because I was so sure of my God.

Don’t misunderstand, I get the importance of knowledge and learning. I understand that we humans have a need and an obligation to understand, to walk in knowledge and wisdom. I don’t think for a minute that we should shut down the minds that God created within us and blindly accept what others say and think. But I do think there is a time to put aside all the learning and to begin knowing.

The Word is no longer my friend. The Lord is no longer a wonderful, awesome, Holy amazing God. He and His Word have become something to figure out. Only He can’t be figured out…..call it an irony, God puts a thirst for knowledge within us but He is unknowable…..

So for me, for now I have to stop looking. I need to be on my fence and ask Jesus if He would come and sit with me. I need to feel His presence in the moment that I am in. I need to set aside my mind for a little while. My brain never stops, never turns off, it squawks at me non-stop and the only way to disengage it is to find the Presence of God and sit there awhile.

Jeremiah 29:13-14 (ha ha fooled you, you thought I was going with 29:11 )
13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

I love learning and theology but when those things trump my love for my Creator I am in trouble. I don’t feel like being in trouble anymore 🙂


Son Of God…

Last night some my husband and I joined some friends and went to see the new movie Son Of God. If I were a movie critic I would say that the movie is a failure of biblical proportions. I would say epic fail. I would point out the obvious place scripture was taken out of context or that it seemed like two completely unrelated scriptures were mashed together to make one unintelligible sentence.

If I were a movie critic.

But I’m not.

I’m a girl with questions, I’m a girl who doesn’t understand how the cruelty of man can somehow bring Glory to God. I am a girl who doesn’t agree with how God sets things up. I am jut a girl who is lonely in her confusion and sad in her doubts. I am a girl walking out her salvation every day.

I’ll be honest, I fell asleep twice in the movie it was not only so boring but the butchering of scripture was too painful and stressful to watch, so I do what I always do, close my eyes and go to sleep. But the movie was still there when my husband nudged me awake.

I’ve been to see the play The Thorn which New Life Church puts on every year at Easter at least 6 times. I’ve sat through The Passion at least twice. I never sleep through the arrest, beating and crucifixion, no matter how bad the rest of the movie is. I make myself look into the eyes of Jesus and really know what He did for me. Love. Last night was no different. This girl watched her savior beaten and bloodied, spikes hammered through His wrists and ankles……and this girl saw something different this time.

I don’t understand human suffering. I don’t understand how God who abhors sin, and yet seemingly allows atrocities to be committed against the very beings that He created in His image. But I have already come to understand that the things I do know about God and His incredible love and mercy outweigh the things I can’t answer in my limited understanding and I have peace with that.

Last night as I watched the Son of God being spiked to a cross I understood something I don’t think I ever truly knew before. He is with me. “His son not sparing” a line from one of my favorite hymns came to life in me last night.

It has seemed to me that God set all these things in motion and then sat back and watched it all unfold. “Well, I did my work, the rest is up to them”…….”I might step in, I might not it just all depends on how pure they get their hearts”….. Just being brutally honest about what goes on in my head, it gets pretty ugly up there sometimes.

I think we all know by now what I don’t understand and what I think about what I don’t understand. But regardless of what I don’t get the fact remains that the Lord did not spare Himself, His son in the process. He didn’t just throw us down into the melting pot and sit back to watch the show. No. He came down and said “I am with you in this”.

We get so much of the cross talk. What Jesus did on the cross, the sin that He carried……He died for you and me…… But what we don’t get much of is the reality that God joined in the suffering of the people He created. He ate what we ate, he walked where we walked. And He did that with as much purpose as when he laid down His crown and crawled up on a cross.

We, I , this girl often forgets the importance of the before the cross and what that means.

Anyone can build a home, fill it with every good and beautiful thing, stock the fridge and the pantry for life and fill the closets with clothes…..then go find a homeless person and hand them the keys. That is a beautiful gift in and of itself.

But what if the builder then said to the homeless person….Hey, can I come in for a cup of coffee? Can I help you mop your floors and clean your toilets? Can I sit with you, can I yap with you, can I just be with you? I don’t know many builders who are going to do that.

Except one. God didn’t just create us in His image, and then throw us into the mess….He created us, created a way out of our mess and then He got right in the mess beside us. What He asks of us to go through, He goes through. Every sickness, every rejection…..every hurt…..everything…..He spared His son from nothing.

So if I have to not get it but I get to know that I am not alone in the mess….I think this girl who is not a movie critic can have peace with A God who doesn’t desert her when the chips come down.