I don’t think I can do this again. Find a new church, walk in like I already belong, find a small group, get involved, meet people all over again. Smile and nod oh what a wonderful group…..
Oh what a wonderful four walls and a ceiling. What a wonderful set of comfortable chairs and SWWWWWWWEEEETTTTT there’s a coffee shop! And the bonus of course is how much everyone loves the pastor and the ministry.
I am not here to tear down the church or it’s people or pastors. Frankly they do a good enough job of that all by themselves. They hardly need me to help them. I also don’t care to help build up the church, again they puff themselves up quite well without me having to say a word.
But right now I just can’t bring myself to swallow another disappointment, pull up my big girl panties and jump into the fray yet again. I can’t rally myself and come back this time.
The song posted at the top pretty much says it all
“But if you close your eyes does it almost feel like nothing changed at all and if you close your eyes does it almost feel like you’ve been here before? How am I going to be an optimist about this”
Yes, if I close my eyes it feels like nothing has changed at all, like I have been here before and I don’t know how I am going to be an optimist about it.
Sifting through the rubble of someone else’s sin trying to figure out whether to clean the rubble or deal with the sin. That is where phrases come in like “well they are just men/women of course they are going to disappoint and hurt”. “wounded people wound”. They are human too in need of grace. As though somehow that makes everything better and less….?….. I have said these very things myself and I pray that if I ever say them again that I would choke on the very words that help others sins be justified.
And the manipulation of grace is the worst. I have been shown so much grace that I MUST show that same grace to the one who is doing the wounding. Because after all when much forgiveness has been received then you better be sure you give it back out.
And so I can’t do it again. I can’t walk back into a building, a church one more time and start all over again. Church isn’t working. Following a man with a dream isn’t working. Supporting a vision isn’t working and for some reason no matter how many times the inner workings of a church is exposed as rotten we keep trying to build and rebuild the same model hoping this time it will produce something different.
I want something different. I want friends and family and teachers and learners and givers and receivers. I want a place where one man or ministry is not promoted over other men or ministries. I want a place where we respect each other as children of the most high together. I want a place where sanctification is walked out not justification.
What that looks like I don’t even know, how something like that functions I couldn’t begin to tell you. But if I am ever going to be an optimist about the people of God again it is not going to be by doing things the same anymore. I have to change or I will die from the inside out from disappointment. And I am not willing to die for the church.
But I am willing to live for God. I am willing to try something new and different. I am willing to live without church and live with God. And I am willing to look for hope and joy in the middle of the rubble of yet another disappointment.