And all at once denial just gets up and leaves. Not even an excuse me I must be going. Denial just gets up, brushes the crumbs off his lap and walks out as if he never knew you.
There you are sitting and staring at an empty chair and your breath goes out of you and follows denial to the door. Then you feel the contents of your stomach trying to follow the breath.
That’s when you really know that denial is not coming back and in his place is his opposite….reality.
The reality of aloneness, of unsureness, of all the things you find yourself a lot less willing to say goodbye to than you thought. The reality that there are more goodbyes than you planned for.
The endless questioning of is this really the right way to go, what if we are wrong, what if doing this messes up our life beyond repair, what if in making the wrong decision we mess up other peoples lives and hearts, what if we made the right decision but someone is still hurt by it ??????????? Can it be fixed if we are wrong? Can it be fixed if we are right?
He won’t live here anymore, she won’t live here anymore, we won’t be a family in this house again…..I thought I was ready for that but I, in fact, am not. I thought I could deny myself through the ouch part of this, but I can’t.
But, I am still here and there is no end date to being here. No start date for when we can begin building our new life together and start being a family in a new home.
This place is our life. It was and is a good life and I don’t want to be here and not live that life together. The only things I have loved about this place are the things I lived with my husband and kids. I don’t know how people going through divorce and the death of a spouse do it. I don’t know how they get up every day and carve a new reality into an old life. But I have a new found respect and heart of compassion for them.
Thankfully and so gratefully I am not looking down a road of forever. My husband is going to prepare a new home for us in a new state. How grateful am I for a husband who is willing to go out on a limb to love his family and to do it without me? Because personally, while I may willing to hold the fort down here I am not sure I am selfless enough to go build a whole new one by myself.
So this weekend and the next few months are going to be rough, and without denial around to take the edge off I will probably cry a whole lot. But in the end reality is a truer friend and lasts a whole lot longer, and promises to bring some sun along with the rain.
So see ya later denial, reality, we have work to do.