Maybe I’ve had it all wrong all this time. Maybe I’ve been asking the wrong questions. Maybe all this time I have wasted in frustration and anger trying to find just the right answer for my questioning faith has been backwards.
What if the sadness serves a beautiful purpose? What if not knowing is the truest answer? What if ?
What if I listened instead of questioning? What if I sat in the stillness and the quiet and waited instead of screaming?
What if someone else’s powerful story whispered itself into my heart instead of letting it scream into my fears and doubts. I wonder what that would look like.
I don’t know. I don’t know because I only know what my restless and faithless heart have been living.
I think I have it all wrong. I say that I can think of a few people who deserver cancer, sickness, death and pain way more than the people who are currently living that. I can think of more than a few people I would rather have dead than our friends Paul and Laura.
I can think of more people who should be beheaded or in imprisoned for believing a different God. Of course I can think of things like that, my heart is so hard.
But maybe I am looking at it the wrong way. As I read and I watch and I finally listen to a voice other than mine a whole new world is opening in my heart. Hundreds of thousands of people being touched by the simple story of a boy with cancer. Hundreds of thousands of people given hope in their own painful life through a woman who knows she will not live to see her children get married and play with her grandbabies. Hundreds of thousands of people being given the opportunity to love and pray for someone they will never meet. Hundreds of thousands of people being moved to be the voice, the hands and feet of Jesus even if they don’t know it.
I wonder what these people would say if we asked them? Some might say they hate God and they are angry. But many of these people are saying they are grateful for the privilege of living this life well. They are grateful for what God did in them and in others through it. They are saying they wouldn’t have it any other way.
Funny they are not saying why me. They are not saying God is bad.
Maybe I’ve had it all wrong all this time. Maybe my soul has been sicker than their bodies. Maybe in accepting the grace of God in their broken bodies without being angry at God about it, maybe I will find healing for my soul . And maybe in their beautiful deaths I will find my true life in Christ as they find their true lives in the throne room of God.
And maybe one day I will get it right and my soul will not be sick anymore.