Losing The Battles….

I have lost so many battles lately.  I think I have lost almost every battle I have fought this last 7 months or so.  Let me tell you, it has been a ride.

I have lost the battle against fear.  I have lost the battle against depression.  I have lost the battle against my particular temptations .  I have lost the battle with food over and over again.  I have lost the battle for peace.  I have lost the battle for my faith, I have lost the battle to cling to Jesus.  I have lost the battle to continue believing.  I have lost the battle to remain steadfast. I have lost the battle to remain in love with Christ and passionate pursuit of him.

I could go on and on.  When I look back at my track record of battles it is pretty dismal.

I am not brave, even a little bit.  I am not firm in my faith, I would say I am more like jello that isn’t quite set.  I am not the renewed caterpillar turned beautiful butterfly.  Most days I think I am some kind of half breed, dna challenged caterpillar crossed with butterfly……call me a caterfly.  yep I just made that up.

My point is that in the faith realm I am all to aware that I am “the least of these”.  I have no illusions about the battles that I fight.  Nor do I suffer from delusions of grandeur in the faith realm.  I am lucky and blessed to get into heaven by the grace of God and His grace alone.

But you want to know what I AM?  I am TENACIOUS.  I am stubborn.  I am a fighter.  I have resolve.  I have determination. I am merciful.  I am forgiving.  I am kind.  I am convicted.   I get knocked down and I get back up……eventually…….I swear I am going to give up and walk away, but I get up and walk toward.  I scream about it.  I cry in fear.  I hang my head and give in to pity parties. I question God, I question myself, I question everything I know. But I never stop fighting.

I never give up.  On people, on things, on myself and on God.

I may lose a lot of battles but that only makes winning the war inevitable

Because every day, every battle I lose is a reminder of just how much I need Jesus.  Every fear that brings terror.  Every temptation that brings sin, everything I lose causes me to lean more and more on Jesus.

Because I can’t live this life without him and I know that in a big way.  And it is Jesus who is winning the war.  We Christians care so much more about all the little battles that we fight that we forget that our war is already won.

I so often wish that my faith were huge and unshakeable.  I so often wish I was the brave one who will jump off a cliff for Christ.  I wish to live a life so filled with trust that I could care less about my own personal comfort and physical well being.  I fight for those things every day.  Every. Single. Day.  And most days I lose the majority of those battles.

But the word says His mercies are new every morning.  So every morning as God gives me another daily dose of tenaciousness I get up and fight another day.  And even if I can’t see the victory, even if I feel like a hamster on a wheel, I will continue fighting these battles until I breathe my last breath.