Oh F***!

Oh F***, she’s dead.  That was all I could think as I picked up a picture of my foster mom.

It catches me by surprise sometimes.  Some days I know I miss her because she is dead.  But some days I think I forget, I just miss her and then all of a sudden I remember I miss her because she is dead.

Sorry for the harsh sound of the words but it is a finality for me that cannot be made prettier or easier by nice words.  And while I try harder for her loved ones, for myself the reality is a jolt that I need.

So I picked up her picture and knew she would never hug me again, nor I her.  I knew I would never hear the words ” I love you” from her and I would never speak them to her again.  In one second flat every thought of everything that had been missed and that would be missed from now on came crashing into my heart.  Truly those were the only words I could think as I stood there wiped out from that little tsunami.

And mixed in an ugly mess in my heart with the pain of loss is the pain of regret.  The pain of a love just stopped in it’s tracks.  The pain of wanting more time, more words, more hugs….MORE…..

She saved me.  Without her I would not have ever known security of any kind.  I would not have known safety.  I would not have known what loving someone just for the sake of loving someone looks like.

Funny, you wouldn’t call her kind, maybe not even compassionate.  She did not function in an overflow of mercy, but she loved, at her worst and at her best she loved.

And I miss knowing she is in the world.  and then I think Oh F*** she’s dead. Again.  I wonder if anyone ever feels the same way, almost like every time you remember they are dead that they die a mini death again in your heart?  Reliving death. Is that the oxymoron of oxymoron’s?

I get angry about it, and frustrated, and sometimes I want to let the anger and the grief just go. But the anger is useless.  It does nothing to bring her back and only feeds more anger at something I cannot change.  And so I say things like the title of this post because it is all I can say.

I am only a little bit sorry if someone who reads this is offended by my language, all I can say is trust me, this is tame compared to what is in my head at moments like this.

Maybe tomorrow I will make it to “oh gosh darn it, she passed away”  but for now it is about the fact that something bad happened, something terrible has occurred.  Something, someone has been lost and they can never be returned. It’s all I can say.

After I say those words, I get up and continue on with my day, with my life grateful for the reminder of loss because with such a big sense of loss I know I was loved big.   I can’t change death, but love can change what death means in my life.

Was I Wrong?…..

I don’t have much of a problem admitting when I am wrong.  If I can’t see where I was wrong, I can never fix things you know?  Nor can I grow or learn to do things differently.  Nor can I learn to appreciate things I was wrong about.

So here goes….  I was wrong.  I was wrong when I said I could never possibly miss living in Colorado.  I was wrong when I wouldn’t admit it’s sometimes breathtaking beauty.  I was wrong when all I could think of was getting out of it.  I was wrong when I thought somehow, magically of course, life would really start when I finally escaped to the other side of the rockies.

Not that over the years I didn’t learn to appreciate things about Colorado.  But it was a grudging appreciation.  I did see beauty, but…….there was always a but……and an “if only”……or “maybe if it had and ocean”……

So lesson learned.  There are things I will never love or even like.  I hate the winter, I hate the cold, I really do hate snow, well except for looking at it in the streetlights on a quiet night……but those things aren’t exclusive to Colorado.  So hating Colorado for having the nerve to have a winter is kind of dumb in hind sight.

Admitting that I am wrong allows me to look back with gratitude.  It allows me to have some pretty great memories and enjoy them without begrudging ……

I had a pretty great life. Not a worry free, stress free everything is peachy keen life.  But as a family and as a husband and wife we built a pretty wonderful life all things considered.  And even as I look forward to building new things here, I miss what we built there.

I am homesick

I miss Colorado

I still won’t miss it in the winter though.

Knowing how easy it is to be wrong I am choosing not to judge Las Vegas ( it is truly ugly ).  I am choosing to wait and see what God has for us here, what memories, what family, what friends we can build here.  I am choosing to wait patiently and not make a judgment regarding my happiness or lack thereof too quickly.  I am choosing to ask God to show me His beauty in this place.

You never know what you have until it’s gone, right?  Or maybe I can know and appreciate it in the here and now.  I don’t know how.  Right now things look a lot lonely and even bleaker.  But admitting that I was wrong reminds me to look below the surface of life as I see it and look at what God sees.

I can’t help but still hope somewhere in the corner of my heart that God will move me and my entire family to Barbados, or Spain…..but for now I am here letting my homesickness teach me a lesson.