So, I found a new doctor and I think I love him. I was pretty discouraged when my ambien was taken away with the intent that I be off of it in two months…..really after 8 years you think I am going to be fine in 2 months? Totally freaked me out.
BUT the new doc isn’t so sure that that is a great idea. I wholeheartedly agree.
He also didn’t think it was such a great idea to keep me on a lower dose of my anti-depressant, and he actually believed, unlike the last doc that I actually do have asthma and should have refills for my inhaler.
I mean he actually listened to my story and how I got here. He considered my words and he HELPED me.
He said something to me though that really caught my attention. He said, “you don’t seem like the kind of person who just wants to take a lot of pills”
It was at that moment that I fell in love with my doc. Because he understood the need, but also knew that I am not just an obese, middle aged, middle class hypo seeking drugs to try and make a happy life. That felt like wow to me.
And he is right. I don’t want to take pills. I don’t want to take a happy pill in the morning so that I can function during the day. I don’t want to take a sleeping pill so that I can sleep and not be in a vegetative state the next day.
I never wanted to be what they consider addicted to ambien. I never wanted to take an antidepressant for more than a few years…..but here I am.
Over the years I have come to understand though that these are not about taking happy pills or looking for a high from Ambien. Far from it. These things are about survival and not being crazy and hurting others because of my depression….depression hurts, not just you but the people around you.
From experience I can tell you that being subjected to someones crazy is not a fun thing. ever. And because of my own traumas from that, and from witnessing the trauma that I inflicted on others when I wasn’t on medication, I am staying on my anti depressant forever if necessary.
I came up in the christian culture that if you suffered with any kind of emotional or mental illness then you are not praying hard enough. If you were still sick years later the question was always asked what were you doing wrong? Mental illness and issues were never anything a christian SHOULD put up with. You HAVE THE VICTORY……
Only I didn’t and I was ashamed for many, many years. I no longer am and haven’t been for a long time. but I still find myself feeling as if I have to justify my use of pharmaceuticals. I always want to say “well if you would just o.k. pot smokage maybe I would be better….not really an appreciated answer.
The bigger story is that even though I freaked out and was scared I decided that I would trust God with the whole thing. I decided that if he wanted me too I would get off the ambien. I chose to believe that if indeed that is what God was asking that he would provide whatever it was that I needed to get through. But I was still freaking out.
The new doc did suggest that I read a book called Sleep Hygiene, which I will. He also asked if I was willing to get off the ambien at some point and to that I said yes.
Because I don’t love depending on it. I love it and it’s effects. I can’t lie about that. I love that big deep dark hole that I get to fall into for a few hours a night. It is a beautiful thing for a mind that won’t turn off.
But the new doc is willing to help me find a way if possible to get that without a drug. How cool is that? So over the next few months we will be discussing that and we’ll see where it leads.
In the meantime I am very grateful that God was so gracious to me in this. His ways do not always feel gracious, but this time they did.
I feel as if God were leading me to the top of the cliff and saying trust me JUMP……and there I am totally freaking out because I don’t think I can jump AND HOW COULD HE ASK ME TO DO THAT? and then He says….oh wait, don’t jump…….LOL. I am not saying that as if the Lord is arbitrary, but sometimes I do think he waits to see if even through our freaking out that we will by an act of our will choose Him over the thing that makes us feel safe. Ambien makes me feel safe. Sorry but it does. But I still chose to trust Him and he honored that choice so graciously for me.
So, I don’t know what the future of my meds look like. I do hope one day to not need any drugs at all. I have a few friends that have had some real results with products that are not pharmaceuticals. Who knows, by this time next year I may be drug free.
But whatever or wherever direction God leads me in, I sure hope I learned a lesson about trusting Him and do better next time someone threatens my meds.