The hardest thing..

The hardest thing is having a heart full of things you want to say but knowing you can never say them.

Wanting to pour your heart out and express deep hurts, but to do that you must uncover someone else.  You have to strike a blow that you would not want stricken against you.

Or you know your declarations of love and loyalty will be met with a wall that goes up at the first mention of deep relationship.

I used to champion speaking the truth… all costs.  and I still believe that truth should always be spoken.  I am just no longer sure that I should always be the one digging it out and speaking it.  I am not sure that it is always my job to expose everyone and everything.  I am no longer sure that my assurances of love and loyalty will fix anything.

So I sit and think about all the things I want to say.  All the things I think I should say.  All the things I think I should have the right to say.   And I say nothing.  and it is a hard thing to hold so many things in my heart.

But in the end my belief is that if words are not used correctly no matter if they are loving or hurting words, they bring destruction.

I have spoken more than enough destruction in my life.  All in the name of truth or to work through whatever it was that was bothering me.  I am losing interest in speaking to hear myself speak.

There are times to speak up, and sometimes in my caution I have missed an opportunity to speak truth or love into someones heart.   I am sure that when those things come to light I will feel a sense of regret in that moment.  I am not sure what will be the bigger regret, speaking or not speaking.  But I am sure that I would rather ere on the side of caution.  I would rather be a bit too careful than to be careless with others hearts.

and for a yapper like me silence feels as elusive as patience.   We all have a desire and a need for others to hear us, to hear our hearts, to validate our words.  Living choosing to sometimes be silent goes against our very nature.  I mean seriously why did God give us mouths to speak if He didn’t want us yapping?

Our pre-marital counselors once told us that if we have an issue we think we need to bring up with our spouse to first pray about it.  Then after we have prayed if we still felt as if it needed to be addressed to pray and ask the Lord for His timing, for our words to be directed by Him and finally to prepare the spouses heart to receive it.  That worked really well…… when I bothered to apply the principle.

But like so many of us I usually only applied that principle in that one area of my life, ignoring the advice in the rest of my life.  Carelessly speaking and venting and “truthing” to my hearts content and not really worried about the effect my words would have.

I have hurt many with my words.  Not all of them intentionally or cruelly, but I am tired of causing hurt.  So my decision is to do the hardest thing for me to do.  That is to keep silent until I feel God’s prompting to speak on things that concern others.

As for speaking about my life and my issues, I don’t really care what others know about me.  I am a pretty open book.  There might be someone out there that can be helped by my personal story.  Or someone will just be entertained lol.  Who knows?

Some things are better left unsaid.  I think I want that on my tombstone.