One Thing…..just one

In my youth I used to make the assertation  that I wouldn’t change anything that I had done or had happened to me because it was “what made me who I am today”.   I proudly stated that wouldn’t change much about myself either….

That was then.  This is now.

If I could change one thing, just one I would change depression.

Most people will say that I can change it.  Most will say that I should.  Many will point a finger at this or that aspect of my life to show me where I am going wrong.  Many more will tell me the battle is spiritual.

I have tried to move heaven and earth with my prayers and my faith.  I have changed my diet, gone to self help, taken medication and exercised.  I have chosen joy, I have chosen happiness.  I have gone through “spiritual healing”, breaking free.  I have done the work.

What I have learned is that depression is a part of my life much like any other chronic disease.  It just is.  Nothing changes it, nothing cures it.  At least not in my life.

I am tired of looking for cures and potions and pills and healings.  I am tired of pursuing the answer for depression.  I am tired of fighting with it.  I am just so tired.

So yes, I would change this one thing about myself if I could. I would give up almost anything short of my salvation to be done with this thing in my life.

But it doesn’t work that way.  Some days, like today it threatens to overwhelm my heart.  Most days I have to remind myself of all of my blessings and stay grateful and mindful of the gifts that the Lord has given me.  I have to be mindful of the gift of life that He has given me.

Every day I have to trust Him and not my feelings.  Every day I have to decide if I will let it rule my life.  Some days it wins.

But God is good.  I have things and people that I love and that love me.  I have things that bring me joy.  I have people that bring me joy. I have God every day.

I cannot say that I suffer this with joy.  I don’t.  I beg God to take it away…..and then I get on with the life He has put in front of me for that day.

We all have that one thing in our lives that if we were given the power we would change, be it a circumstance, something that happened to us or something we’ve done.  We all have the one area that if we could just erase it we would.

Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, oh no, I’ve got to go through it……

Walking through the valley of the shadow of death, that is what depression feels like sometimes but He promises He is with me.  And if He is with me I can get through anything, even the one thing that doesn’t change.

 

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Anxious Anxiety…..

So today I had to be a grown up and drive on the freeway….alone….by myself….with nobody driving for me. And while this may not be a big deal for most of the earths population it is a BIG deal for me.

I am afraid of driving on the freeway, especially to and through areas that are unfamiliar.

It sounds looney I know, but it is something I deal with.

Irrational

Stupid

Dumb

Baby

Idiot

My heart rate speeds up, my hands shake, my breathing becomes impossibly shallow and my chest feels tight.  Then the lump in the throat with evil butterflies in my stomach and when it gets really bad I get mad and start crying and doing a whole lot of cussing.

Totally irrational, I have never even been in an accident, nor have I ever witnessed one happening.

I have learned a lot about the hypermobility issues and one of the components for it is anxiety and depression.  I could go into the why of it but I don’t feel like it right now.  I just feel like I want to barf….hence the writing it out because that helps me somehow.

Anxiety is a part of my life.  I fought against admitting that for a very long time.  I thought that I just had a lot of fears, not necessarily anxiety…..but here I am two years into some very stressful things and the anxiety is almost every day right now.  I know it will abate, but for now it is here and I have to figure out how to live with it.

For years I prayed against fear.  I prayed for trust.  I prayed that I would have peace.  I prayed those things hoping that at some point the fear and anxiety would disappear forever and magically I would feel peaceful and fearless.  For some people that is what happens.  My story is not quite playing out that way.

I feel so stupid having to say that I am afraid of driving a car on the freeway.  I feel so stupid saying that I am afraid to go to the dentist or the doctor.  I feel so stupid that my anxiety level goes into hyper drive when a curve ball is thrown my way.  I just feel stupid.

I tell myself to grow up.  I tell myself to quit being a baby.  I tell myself that my anxiety is irrational and I try everything I can to make myself rational.  All to no avail.

Like pain, like fatigue, like depression, anxiety is a part of my life.  I can’t get over it or under it, I have to go through it.  ugh.

Knowing though that the anxiety isn’t about a made up thing in my head but it is a physiological issue is helping me to feel not quite so stupid.  It helps me to know that it is just something I have to make it through and get to the other side.  It helps me to understand I may not always be able to calm my anxiety but it doesn’t have to paralyze me.  It helps me to know that it is not about me getting myself worked up and there is not a lot I can do to stop it from occurring.  I could go live under a rock and leave reality but then I would probably be anxious that my rock is going to crush me in my sleep. LOL

And you ask, where is God in all of this?  If you prayed shouldn’t you be healed?  If you trusted God enough you would be healed.  If you have faith…..don’t you know the promises of God for an abundant life?  Don’t you understand that by His stripes you are healed?  After all you are an OVEROMER!

Here is the thing.  I feel God more closely when I am afraid.  I feel more grateful when He walks with me through it.  I feel peace knowing that God is in control of when my feelings and emotions are definitely not in control.

Yes I prayed. Yes I have faith, after all, I had enough faith to get saved.  The promises of God are not that I won’t suffer, but that I will have abundant life even in suffering.  And I do.  I have a great life, a beautiful life.  A life I could never have dreamed of when I was growing up.

I don’t have the answer to the whole healing thing.  I have known wonderful, Godly, faith filled Christians who have been sick and died.  Who have had the faith to move mountains yet their limbs did not regrow.  God heals who and what He chooses and I don’t believe that He chooses according to how one ranks in the faith department.  If that were true a lot of dead people would be alive and still preaching the gospel today.

Anxiety definitely sucks and I definitely hate it.  Like I hate the chronic pain and the chronic fatigue.  But at this point to not have those things would likely mean that I am dead and in heaven.  And I am just not quite ready to leave this earth in exchange for the full healing of heaven.  What God has given me here is far to precious.  And I don’t think Gods purposes on earth are complete just yet.

And yes I am an overcomer.  I made it here and I did not take the easy way out and let my husband deal with it at some later date.   Which I do often.  In a couple hours my heart rate, which never really came down that much, will peak, and I will sweat and shake some more.  I will get on the freeway and drive home.  I will breathe a sigh of relief the second I am off the freeway and on familiar streets.  I will have overcome.

And in it all, in the pain, the fatigue the anxiety God is with me and for me.  Helping me, leading me, holding me.