In my youth I used to make the assertation that I wouldn’t change anything that I had done or had happened to me because it was “what made me who I am today”. I proudly stated that wouldn’t change much about myself either….
That was then. This is now.
If I could change one thing, just one I would change depression.
Most people will say that I can change it. Most will say that I should. Many will point a finger at this or that aspect of my life to show me where I am going wrong. Many more will tell me the battle is spiritual.
I have tried to move heaven and earth with my prayers and my faith. I have changed my diet, gone to self help, taken medication and exercised. I have chosen joy, I have chosen happiness. I have gone through “spiritual healing”, breaking free. I have done the work.
What I have learned is that depression is a part of my life much like any other chronic disease. It just is. Nothing changes it, nothing cures it. At least not in my life.
I am tired of looking for cures and potions and pills and healings. I am tired of pursuing the answer for depression. I am tired of fighting with it. I am just so tired.
So yes, I would change this one thing about myself if I could. I would give up almost anything short of my salvation to be done with this thing in my life.
But it doesn’t work that way. Some days, like today it threatens to overwhelm my heart. Most days I have to remind myself of all of my blessings and stay grateful and mindful of the gifts that the Lord has given me. I have to be mindful of the gift of life that He has given me.
Every day I have to trust Him and not my feelings. Every day I have to decide if I will let it rule my life. Some days it wins.
But God is good. I have things and people that I love and that love me. I have things that bring me joy. I have people that bring me joy. I have God every day.
I cannot say that I suffer this with joy. I don’t. I beg God to take it away…..and then I get on with the life He has put in front of me for that day.
We all have that one thing in our lives that if we were given the power we would change, be it a circumstance, something that happened to us or something we’ve done. We all have the one area that if we could just erase it we would.
Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, oh no, I’ve got to go through it……
Walking through the valley of the shadow of death, that is what depression feels like sometimes but He promises He is with me. And if He is with me I can get through anything, even the one thing that doesn’t change.