It’s my song for 2017
It is a full two weeks into the new year. Two whole weeks . Two weeks in which I have gotten up every day and determined that THIS day was going to be THE day that I changed my life forever. Two whole weeks in which I went to bed every night sighing that His mercies are new every morning because I had failed miserably at changing my life.
I hate New Years and the emphasis on doing big and great things, setting goals and resolutions. I hate the determination that lasts all of two seconds. But most of all I hate this huge push to tell people that they must be better, bigger, smaller, richer, nicer more successful……..
Maybe I am just bitter because of my own failure to achieve. Actually I am bitter about it. Bitterly disappointed in myself but also in a world that both demands perfection and big things while continually doing all that it can to pick away at any perfection anyone achieves.
The Christian world is just as bad, if not worse. I know that most things are aimed at helping people be better but sometimes it is such a burden. Every where I turn there is a new book/program/video series or sermon reminding me that something is wrong with me that MUST BE FIXED right now.
I thought Christ’s blood was enough.
At least that is what I was told in the beginning. Now I need more. Now I need deliverance, soaking prayer, breaking free, discipline, confessions of my failure on a weekly basis, because you know that without that I can never truly live an open and honest life. and If I can’t do that then I cannot be an authentic christian.
So now all of these things must be added to the atoning work of Christ on the cross because His blood isn’t quite enough.
And so every day along with my own voices in my head that constantly whisper and shout not good enough, not good enough, the outside world and the Christian world are joining in a beautiful chorus of my failure.
The problem with all of this is that you begin to feel owned by your failures and your fears. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in working through things, I believe in repentance, I believe in living my life in such a way that I am continually working restitution. I owe for the hurts that I have caused and yes to some degree it is up to me to continually help clean up the mess I have made in other peoples hearts.
But I have allowed these things to own me. I have allowed admitting my failures, confessing my sin, working my program, breaking free to own me, to own my thoughts, my time and my energy.
It’s kind of a sucky life. All of those things should have a PLACE in my life, but they shouldn’t own my life and my heart. and so far they have, and they have not remained quiet. Maybe if fear and failure had just whispered in my ear I would have kept listening. But they don’t stop at whispering. They shout and scream for attention like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum. Fear and failure prefer to own, they want to take over. and I just don’t feel like being owned by anything anymore.
So dare I say it? 2017 is my year to not be owned. Don’t ask me how I am going to do it. I just know that I am sick of being owned by my weight, my fear and my sick idea of perfection. I am sick of being owned by Christianity.
All of my failure was bought and paid for by Christ on the cross.
“I am young, and I love to be young
I am free and I love to be free”
Because Jesus loves me.