I have to be honest, flawless is anything but what I feel about myself. There is not one part of me that I feel couldn’t use so so so much work.
And here is another little bit of honesty. I don’t know how to be o.k. with my lack of perfection.
I want to be o.k. with it. I want to know that I am a work in progress, I want to know that there was only ONE perfect human being and HE was the Son of God. And although I know I am created in His oh so beautiful and perfect image, on my best days I feel more like a distorted fun house mirror image of God.
Even when I am told over and over that in Him I am made perfect. Even when I am assured of my beauty or talents or niceness by my beautiful friends there is this woman in me that screams “BUT I KNOW THE REAL ME, THE UGLY ME, THE JEALOUS ME, THE JUDGEMENTAL AND MENTALLY UNSTABLE ME”.
And even when I am told that my worth is not in my role, or my abilities or my works …… I know it is a lie. Because just look at this shitty world that we live in. The things that get the attention and the worship and the APPROVAL are all the things that I am …… NOT….
I have to be extraordinary, I have to be lit on fire by passion for something. I have to be always striving for a perfection that is always changing. And if I am not achieving that greatness in whatever arena then I am mired in mediocrity.
I wish I could say that this is something that I just fight in the world. But sadly it is also abattle in the church……..it is oh so to screw things up in the church than in the secular world.
I get it. We all want to believe that God perfects us in the here and now. We have to hold that standard of perfection or guess what? God doesn’t work for us either. So the church goes around setting up benchmarks that supposedly prove what kind of a christian you are.If we are REALLY CHRISTIANS _______________________ fill in the blank.
At church on Sunday the congregation was told that service in the church was a sign that you are truly saved. Because if you are and you are receiving from a church you better be giving back or you are being slothful. True story.
And a truer story for me is that for me, I pour all of myself out trying to be a decent wife, mother and grandmother. The truer story for me is that my 90 minutes every other Sunday is all I have to give.
But I cannot help but take in the message that tells me that everything I have, my best is woefully lacking in proving my worth in the church or outside of the church. NOT GOOD ENOUGH is what the world and the church screams at me.
But then through the voice of another flawed human the very Creator of the universe whispers my name and reminds me that i was designed FOR HIM, not for the church, not for the world, for God Himself.
And I am reminded that He did not put the idea of perfection on me. He gave me the opportunity to be a part, to join in His perfection. By His blood I am presented flawless before the King of Kings so that I can be a part of all of his perfection.
And therein lies the freedom from striving for me. I am not flawless, and I will not be on this earth but I am a part of His perfection and He sees that in me. At some point I have to decide if I still want to continue fighting with standards and lies or do I want to accept that regardless of the wages of sin in my spirit and in my body in Him I can still be a part of something beautiful and perfect and lovely.
I would choose to be flawless in every way if that were my choice. I would choose the easy way. I would be beautiful and talented and smart and kind, loving, humble and never angry. But I am not given that choice on this earth.
OH and I wouldn’t cuss.
well maybe because I really think I just love to cuss……
But I live here in this fallen world and I am so fallen with it. And since I am here maybe it’s time to accept my imperfection and quit trying to fit myself into what I believe everyone else thinks I should be.
So maybe I will cuss as I welcome you into my home and offer hospitality. So maybe as I friend you on facebook my posts won’t always be of the most Godly nature. So maybe I will complain of my fatigue while I am pouring myself out.
So maybe somehow as God’s perfection works through my imperfection someone, somehow will feel God’s incredible flawless love.
I don’t know, but what I do know is that as long as I let my imperfection cripple my heart no one will get anything useful from me.
So, flawless meet flawed and lets go make something beautiful.