My mind this morning is a hot mess. I am fatigued. Which really isn’t anything new because that is a state of being in which I live. But there are times when the fatigue blows my thoughts around like a dry pile of leaves in the wind. It’s like I just can’t get the energy up to keep all my leaves in a neat little pile. Just as the leaves start to settle on a thought, a gust of wind comes up and there go my thoughts scattering in the wind. Try as i might to rake those things into a cohesive pile, they never stay there.
Today has been a hurricane in my head. and I have only been up for an hour and a half……………..It’s going to be a long day.
I have this idea that I need to have a well ordered mind to be a real grown up. I think that at 53 I would have had “a disciplined mind” or that by now I would know how to “take every thought captive….”.
I have been trying to learn more about my eds 3 lately. I have been trying to figure out how and where I am going to fit into some scenarios that will be coming up in the next few years that will be hard. ( I do have a tendency to try to cross bridges I haven’t arrived at yet ). Some might call it worry, I call it planning ahead. My pile of dry leaves just keeps getting bigger with every thought that I think i have to think about…..
And while my hurricane is blowing and I am cleaning up the patio and listening to pandora while planning not only my day but trying to figure out what the next few weeks will look like, or crap, i still have to mop…but first sweep and then I should clean the windows. Oh chris gets home tonight, johnny goes to his dads it’s going to be hot the house always feels better if it is clean when it is hot. Wait, my room is a mess I should clean that and my bathroom needs scrubbed. My girlfriend is coming into town she will be her this day. I would like to see this girlfriend and have that girlfriend over. I need to see my grandbabies and I can’t disappoint my kids and husband. I am so tired how will I ever do this? More coffee and rockstars but those will probably give me a heart attack…….that is 30 seconds in my brain you don’t even want to try and follow my thoughts for a whole minute. I am a hot mess.
And then in the middle of it David Crowder comes into the corner of my messy mind and is quietly singing Oh How He Loves Us. And I hear him telling me how Jesus loves me. I hear him telling me that He is jealous for my heart and mind. Not in a sick and shaming way, but in a way that says I love you so much and I yearn to be loved by you the same way.
Wait, what? For a few sweet moments everything else just stops. You cannot imagine the peace and the rest in my mind when it can finally land one thought. Just one.
And this one thought is the one I needed most in my mess today. He loves me and He yearns for my love……
One leaf landed in the storm. I’ll take it. My mind may never be the ordered mature mind I think it should be. But possibly at least in my life my mind does not need to be one big orderly pile of dry leaves.
If God so ordered it, my mind would work like other peoples. But so far, try as I might and pray as I might I still have a hurricane in my head. But today there was a moment of respite. An eye of the storm, where there is calm and peace. Even while the hurricane kept whirling around me. My eye of the storm was knowing that God loves me.