so I did it. for the first time in at least 30 years …… I own a bikini …….
not a tankini,
not a pair of board shorts with crop bathing suit top.
I’m talking a real walking, talking two piece halter style top bikini.
I wore a bikini…..and I liked it.
I wish that I could say for all these years that my reasons for not wearing a two piece have everything to do with being a good Godly woman, setting a good Godly example, and modesty and all that stuff. But lying is not my strong suit.
Really the reason is that I have been fat and flabby ALLL this time. And there is no way I would dare to expose my shame in that fashion, not to my husband, not to my children and not to myself.
It has been the struggle of my adult life to accept myself and my body as valuable and beautiful, while at the same time striving for better. And add that to the battle of trying to get it into my heart that the outward appearance is about mankind and our hearts and has little to do with the heart of God. But so far those are battles that continue to wage…..ugh.
I hate one piece bathing suits. They itch. They make me feel fat. I love the feel of the water, the weightlessness…everything, I love water and I hate wet fabric on my body. Hate it. I hate them because I know I wear them out of shame and embarrassment. I have hang ups I know.
When I decided to be brave about my bathing suit issue, nothing in my body and my heart regarding my body had changed except one thing. I was tired of living in bondage to a piece of material. That sounds a little like overkill doesn’t it?
So I went shopping and I bought a bikini. and I freaking love it.
I feel more confident than I have in years. I feel more free and I feel like I am learning a larger truth than I can swim in a bikini.
God doesn’t want me to do anything from a place of the bondage of shame and embarrassment. this goes way beyond the way I dress, it is the way I walk and talk and breathe.
I love the way my heart feels when I am free enough from my own shame to step into my bikini and dive into that wonderful life giving water, both figuratively and literally. It just feels good!
I will not likely ever wear my bikini anywhere but my own back yard. I am not sure that I will ever not struggle with the embarrassment of not having a perfect body. I just don’t like the idea of being that “open” to everyone. It’s my body and I really don’t feel the need to share it with everyone on earth. Perfect body or not.
When I was young I did crave that kind of attention. Not going to lie. I was brought up in a world that said you had to literally share everything you are with everyone. I grew up with women doing everything to catch a man, not with their heart but with their bodies.
It took a long time for me to learn about physical boundaries. Once I learned them I loved them. Sometimes I feel that my fat has served me well in that it made me less attractive and I didn;t have to worry about attention anymore.
But it was a double edged sword I craved to not be looked at in that way and was ashamed that I wasn’t……
But with the whole bikini thing now I feel like I am learning that I can have and enjoy both physical boundaries and freedom from the bondage of shame. I can shake off all of that and feel confident and beautiful…go figure.
And all it took was 30 years and a bikini…….
So now when I wear my one piece when people are around I will not hate it so much. Now maybe that little tiny piece of fabric is not about being ashamed of my body but of respecting myself enough to embrace boundaries that are healthy for me.
Who knew a christian woman could learn so much from a freaking bikini?